Military Life is No Dream

I’ve been around the military life style for most of my life. Growing up around a submarine “A- School” was what we shall call “immersive.” From the boys that we would date or see in the local hang outs, to the wives and moms and members that would be a part of the work force all the way around- I saw it everywhere. When I was 17 I worked at a Pizza Hut where I worked with a boy from school, his Mom who was a military wife, and then we had a driver that was active duty. I ended up dating one of the Mom’s “friends,” who was a guy who was a “nuke” on her husband’s submarine.

In my 20’s I told a group of guys who were in a school program on base that I was a lesbian (I was and have always been more of the sapiosexual persuasion, but I digress) because that way I could hang out with them, go and try to tip cows, drink and be free with out having to worry about it getting awkward. Politically correct in today’s world? More than likely not, but it was a standard front line of protection for some women back then.

I also saw the suffering. So much suffering. I was friends with a guy who really tried to date every local woman I knew, but not in a suave sense, he was generally pretty mopey and sweet. After a few years in the service, mostly in my town, he went on duty and didn’t come off. It was local news that I won’t repeat here, but it was fatal, and it was of his own doing.

One young spouse I worked with in my 20’s had a two year old baby, and invited me to her place. It was pretty spartan, and she went on a very long, very sad rant about how she isn’t supposed to be parenting her son on her own. How that was not how it was intended to be by nature. She was going to leave. The pressure and loneliness was too much. My initial thought was “So you think it’s going to be better actually single?” I imagine she didn’t think it would be too hard to find someone more local to her home when she went back South. Honestly, it probably wasn’t. She was a beautiful woman, decently put together most of the time. That day, she was just incredibly sad and overwhelmed.

Then there were the kids. So many kids in my school growing up were “Navy Brats.” Some were some of my favorite people. The quirky guy who liked anime and knew some Japanese. My absolute best friend was a girl I didn’t meet until my junior year, and man, her coping skill was humor and song, a lot like my own. Other kids were just quiet, sullen. Afraid to make friends because they would just leave again. The resiliency needed for this life style hits every one, and hits everyone differently.

Then I became a military spouse and holy hell – friends, it’s even harder than it looks most of the time.

I’m not saying all of this to point and say “poor us.” It’s a blessed life, a secure life, and a wandering one, that I am forever grateful for, but military life is no dream. It’s hard for reasons many have already written many books on. It’s hard for reasons that are still being studied by psychology majors as you’re reading this. I’m typing this because I want to say that we need care. We need to be gentle with each other. We need to be able to see our vast differences as what makes our community strong instead of looking at them with fear or by “othering” each other. It’s okay to make tribes with all types. It’s one of the more beautiful things in life.

We need to feel like it’s okay to show our strengths, and have those strengths be of value.

I’m a type that one again for the leadership in the back–

WE NEED TO FEEL LIKE IT’S OKAY TO SHARE OUR STRENGTHS, AND HAVE THOSE STRENGTHS BE OF VALUE.

The overseas base I currently live on is great at offerings “community resources” and saying “this is what we have.” I just wish they would work towards a way of saying “show me what you’re strong at, and let me show you where we have a place for your skills and will support them.” The rules and barriers are relentless, and the care being offered by whom they do support is not enough and not by any fault of the individuals working there.

As spouses we often say we’re trying to “find our tribe.” In real tribal areas the tribe consists of families, and often have different views on outsiders or travelers. So sociologically speaking, I can’t get mad at it being hard. However, I can say that in each tribe, the place of the individual depends on tribe needs and talents. It has nothing to do with specific federal applications, who you’re married to, or if you believe in the same recipe for food. If we’re going to be a tribe, we need to find out other’s passions, and lift each other up. Make it a little easier for people to feel successful, or valued. It’s easy enough to tear each other down, to see our kids tear each other down, to put weight on competition at work, or in our groups.

What would it look like if we as a tribe built each other up instead? What if we chose to give each other care?

By Noel Ross